I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
