my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
