I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
