Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
