I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
