Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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