Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
