I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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