please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
