Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
