You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
