btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
