note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
