her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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