I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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