$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
