shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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