i already hear my dad disowning me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
