I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
