I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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