Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
