The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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