Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
