I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
