i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
