He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
