That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
