I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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