About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
