It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
