Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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