i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
