literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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