This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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