ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
