Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
