If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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