I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
