Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
