Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
