It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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