I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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