Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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