Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
