mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
