I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
