Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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