This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
