its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
