I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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