I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
