is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
