never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize