Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
