I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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