She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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