I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
