Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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